I've had a couple of requests for this particular exercise so I'm going to post here, but first some context and background for those who are unfamiliar.
We often see patients come into the office who are struggling with desiring something that is perhaps in conflict of beliefs or perceptions they have been either consciously or subconsciously taught. An example of this may be the desire for material wealth being in conflict with a spiritual belief that "money is the root of all evil". Or the desire to lose weight in conflict with the love of Timmy's in the morning (which is a deep seated belief by the way). This creates internal conflict and stress which often compounds or is the cause of many of the symptoms we see in our office.
To resolve this internal stress requires one thing- congruency. Congruency is defined as "agreement, harmony between two things". Incongruency therefore creates disagreement, disharmony and imbalance within oneself. This is usually indicative by alot of negative self talk and "beating yourself up" because you can't do what you say you want. Lots of guilt, YUCK!!
To establish congruency, you need to know what your values are; you need to ferret out your true self by looking at your life in a particular way. Your values (and beliefs) will become evident as you answer 12 simple questions:
1. How do you fill your space? Take a look at your office, car, home, and wherever you hang out. What have you filled these places with? What objects mean the most to you? Really look at the places where you spend the most time as if you've never been there before, identifying themes and common elements, which are evidence of your values.
2. How do you spend your time? Take a look at how you allocate your waking hours. What claims most of your day? Remember, do this exercise with complete unbiasness, it is what it is...do not get wrapped up in the social norms or what things "ought" to be. Be true to yourself. I say this here because people will say family is the highest value but their time schedules say something different. Also, time is only one indicator, we will use this one with all the other questions.
3. How do you spend your energy? You will have the most energy to do those actions you truly value most, because doing what you love energizes you. This is important because when the time comes to do what has to get done (ie-housework) you can more easily link how doing them will help you fulfill what your highest values are.
4. How do you spend your money? Big one here. Look at how you use money in your life? Are you a saver? Risk taker? Do you spend on clothes, education or travel? Follow the money, it leaves a trail to your values.
5. Where are you most organized? Similar to number 3, your highest values will be the most ordered in your life. Order equals high value, and chaos equals low value.
6. Where are you most disciplined? Similar to number 5. Where are you consistently on task? Where are you "flighty" or "undisciplined". Procrastination always happen with low value things.
7. What do you think about? What are you constantly mulling over, considering, and trying to understand even more? What distracts you when you are doing something else?
8. What do you visualize? Where do your daydreams take you?
9. What do you talk to yourself about? Is it always negative? What conversations are you having with yourself? Are you judging yourself or someone else? Are running down a pros and cons list?
10. What do you speak about with others? Most people have a way to bring the conversation around to their favorite topics sooner or later. Have you ever noticed how these people who share the same interests waste no time in discovering this delightful coincidence?
11. What do you react to? Observe what you pay attention to. Notice what makes you smile or frown and what makes you lean in to hear more or shut down, folding your arms in front of your body.
12. What are your goals? HUGE ONE HERE. This is where we can see conflict between what you say you want and what your life demonstrates. Written goals are of most importance.
Most important to understand is that you can change your beliefs/values to match your goals or you can change your goals to match your beliefs/values.....congruency is the key. When you achieve that, you're on your way to more stress-free life, cause you know what you want and you belief you can get it as demonstrated by your behaviours and actions.
As one final comment, I truly believe that while we all have different beliefs, values (what I call secondary values) and goals, there is one primary value stamped on all our hearts from the day we are born (genetic). That is, we all have unconditional love of others and of ourselves. Anything that moves us away from that primary value is learned.
Something to think about,
Dr. Jay
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